Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Sky Inspirations

While walking home from our dress rehearsal today I was able to take a moment to appreciate God's creations. The sky's blue blue back color soothed me somehow as the soft looking clouds seemed to make perfect rows across the sky. The scenery made me happy, but then a sudden.....not sadness but confusion came over me. I began to think: Will I always have to look up and wish and wonder?
I wondered about my life hear in college. Will this education allow me to be successful? Where will I go from here? I had so many questions and the sky wasn't giving me answers. I beggggged. Sat out there for quiet sometime, but it wouldn't even talk to me. Rejection at its most silent; an those are the worst ones!

I wondered about the future of my relationship. My boyfriend and I were talking about how our lives are changing and how things will be different next semester. He is taking on a lot of credits and will be Heavily involved in his Fraternity during the spring semester. I will be working more and hopefully in progress of joining my own. I have intense apprehensions about that also; not making it this year will really crush me, considering it will be my second attempt and I am a Junior, but that is a whole different post. ANYWAY If I receive that pleasure my schedule will be effected also-I wont have as much time for him, BUT I PLANNED ON putting in the effort to make the time. During our talk regarding this I just started to feel resentment and hurt in a weird way.  Not just emotionally but physically. My chest hurt yet I felt numb. I didn't wanna talk anymore. I think I reacted this way because the way he handled the situation made me feel like it doesn't matter to him either way what happens. Maybe he was trying to make light of the situation but I all I wanted to do was cry. I have never been to this place in my life and not knowing where it will go from here and hearing from him that he doesn't know if he will put in the effort to make it work makes me feel......Well how will you feel? I know that we will have to take a break at some point next semester and I am dreading it so this conversation didn't make me feel any better.  I tend to overreact sometimes but just because things don't always make sense doesn't mean I wont feel how I feel.

 I wondered whats next. One year left. One more year [plus a semester] to figure out where it is I will go and what direction the next chapter of my life is pointed to. Maybe God is telling me that I need to focus. I have been telling myself since the summer that I was going to make more time for me and find myself individually, but that never happened. Is it my time to break away? A Break? Maybe being celibate and not participating  in sex, drugs, or drinking may open a door that will help me discover who Kayla is. Who Kayla wants to be. Not what Kayla wants to do but what mark Kayla plans to leave on this earth.

I wonder...

Xo Kayla